humbled with thankfulness
As I've been working on what I'll say at our ceremony, I'm humbled at how God's hand has moved in our marriage. I know Randy and I are where we are today because of His sovereignty. He has protected us, He has guided us and shaped us. The other night we were talking and I was telling my husband, in my mind there were two defining fights in those early years. The first one the enemy rang the bell to start the "boxing" match and the second one, about two years later, was a fight I had not with my husband but with God.
In Geneses, Jacob wrestles with God all night. He not only wrestles with Him but knows not to let go till God has blessed him. I see that in my wrestling match with God. It was the night He gave me a vision of what my life was going to look like without my husband. Before that though, I had decided, as much as it broke my heart, that I was done with the fighting and that I didn't want Esther to grow up that way. It's amazing how easily the enemy sneaks into our being with his little lies. I believed the lie that she'd be better off without this life and that I'd be better off without my husband, the one I'm head over heels in love with. Yeah, I listened to his lies and believed them because I'd taken my eyes off of Christ. It had been a long two years of not focusing on Christ. Randy spent a good part of that night at his son's house, while I sat up all night arguing with God. I didn't want to let go of the account I had against Randy. I didn't want to let go of the unforgiveness. I didn't want to let go of the blame and the anger but I DID want God to fix it all for me anyway.
It was in the deep of this night that I cried out to God, that I yelled at Him, begged him, cried with lack of understanding at what He was doing. It was in this night that I told God I gave up, I was done. I couldn't see or hear Him working in our marriage anymore. It was in this night that He showed me what my life, our daughter's life would be like without my husband a part of it. It was such a deeply sad vision. It took all the fight out of me. It was in that moment that I finally got a different perspective. It was then that I felt like Jacob and refused to let go till God blessed me and our marriage. It was in that moment that God asked me, "What is your name." I had a choice. I could answer that I was Kirsten, strong willed, angry, proud, in control (yeah right), independent, fearless, closed off, guarded, hardened. OR I could answer that I was Kirsten, broken, weak, out of control, afraid, ready to be refined by the Master. Little did I realize then that I was and had been being refined by the fire. I chose to answer that I was ready to submit to His work.
In Geneses, Jacob wrestles with God all night. He not only wrestles with Him but knows not to let go till God has blessed him. I see that in my wrestling match with God. It was the night He gave me a vision of what my life was going to look like without my husband. Before that though, I had decided, as much as it broke my heart, that I was done with the fighting and that I didn't want Esther to grow up that way. It's amazing how easily the enemy sneaks into our being with his little lies. I believed the lie that she'd be better off without this life and that I'd be better off without my husband, the one I'm head over heels in love with. Yeah, I listened to his lies and believed them because I'd taken my eyes off of Christ. It had been a long two years of not focusing on Christ. Randy spent a good part of that night at his son's house, while I sat up all night arguing with God. I didn't want to let go of the account I had against Randy. I didn't want to let go of the unforgiveness. I didn't want to let go of the blame and the anger but I DID want God to fix it all for me anyway.
It was in the deep of this night that I cried out to God, that I yelled at Him, begged him, cried with lack of understanding at what He was doing. It was in this night that I told God I gave up, I was done. I couldn't see or hear Him working in our marriage anymore. It was in this night that He showed me what my life, our daughter's life would be like without my husband a part of it. It was such a deeply sad vision. It took all the fight out of me. It was in that moment that I finally got a different perspective. It was then that I felt like Jacob and refused to let go till God blessed me and our marriage. It was in that moment that God asked me, "What is your name." I had a choice. I could answer that I was Kirsten, strong willed, angry, proud, in control (yeah right), independent, fearless, closed off, guarded, hardened. OR I could answer that I was Kirsten, broken, weak, out of control, afraid, ready to be refined by the Master. Little did I realize then that I was and had been being refined by the fire. I chose to answer that I was ready to submit to His work.
beautiful wrestling. beautiful blessing. beautiful marriage. thank you for following Christ -- we've all been blessed because of it.
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