Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Hear My Cry O Lord

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. 
~psalm 10:17 niv

2009 was a busy year. It was that winter that I turned my marriage over to Christ and learned to submit. It was the year I began to face my abortion. It was the year I began running. It was the year I ran my first 5k. It was the year my first born graduated. We moved that year. The second move of what became 4 moves in 2 years, 10 months and 8 days. That was also the year the fatigue started. 

This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life. ~psalm 119:50 nkjv

Since then I ran a marathon, we traveled, lived life, moved again, lived more life, faced and overcame a financial crisis and then bought a house and moved yet again. Through all this, I've had times of feeling good and times of just wanting to crawl in bed and not get out. I have a hard time defining just what I'm feeling. It happens mostly in the spring/summer months but I do experience it to lesser degrees in the fall/winter. I'm tired. Not the kind of tire that a cup of coffee can help but the kind of tired that taking a 4 hour nap doesn't touch. My muscles hurt and are weak. I feel like I'm walking through very thick molasses and every movement is an effort that uses what little energy I do have.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. ~ psalm 6:2 

We've prayed. I've prayed. I've cried. I've gotten angry. Yelled at God. Felt sorry for myself.  I can't understand what is going on. The dr's don't know. All my blood work comes back good, so they blame it on the fact that I'm 40. I can deal with the pain. I can't deal with the fatigue. It have a hard time even putting one sentence together sometimes because my brain is in a fog. Last summer I gave into it. Spent the summer sleeping and hiding. This summer I refused to let it get to me and have been the busiest I've been in years. It's not so bad when I keep moving but if I stop, I'm done. Can't keep moving. However, after three years of this, I'm reaching the end of my tolerance. 

I am weary with my groaning. ~psalm 6:6 nkjv

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  ~romans 5:3-4 niv

The other night while I was dosing off I had my first sense of HOPE. I heard the sweet whisperings of the Holy Spirit. I was laying there mentally whining because I was in pain and couldn't get comfortable. Then it was there...that peace that surpasses all understand and I had hope. I was able to understand for the first time that I should be embracing the fatigue and pain; to lift it up to Jesus, to draw closer to Him and surrender it to Him. That doesn't mean I stop looking for answers, just that I change my heart in how I view it and cope with it.

I sincerely look forward to what may come out of this now. I have hope that I will again live without the pain. I have hope in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9; that His grace will be sufficient.