Running from Myself

Those closest to me know the struggle I've had the past 8 months and especially how hard the last 3 months have been for me.  If you read my post Saying Goodbye, then you'd understand why my husband has been encouraging me to speak to a professional about working through my grief.  I have spoken with one and even though she was an enormous help with a couple things, and I felt great after talking to her, it didn't help me with the day to day feeling of loss. I started to think that I needed an antidepressant but I keep telling my husband that I just need to run, mostly because I know that running always makes me feel great physically and emotionally.  In this situation, it would be the best medication that I could take. 

Four years ago I ran a marathon. It was the single hardest and most rewarding thing I'd ever done for myself.  Unfortunately, afterward I didn't stay running consistently. I ran sporadically but because I'd gotten out of running shape, even 20 minutes of running was too hard. Plus, honestly, I didn't want to put the time in it took to run. I hadn't been prepared at how exhausting and time consuming training for a marathon was going to be.  However, I deeply missed the quiet hours on the road, just me, my thoughts, emotions, and talks with God.  

Two weeks ago, when our daughter was at camp, I was cleaning my room. I kept coming across things of Little P's that I thought I'd packed for him.  After laying on the floor of my closet, curled up in tears I decided enough was enough and I was going to run.  I grabbed my stuff and out the door I went for almost a 3 mile run/walk.  

Two weeks and a total of 23 miles later and I'm now running over a 5k. I'm running it really slow but my miles have come back easy. I feel like I'm trying to outrun my emotions and the "demons" that chase me during the day. It's been great prayer time for me and I've found a different determination to my running that was never there.  Some days I feel like I can run forever.

Will I do another marathon? I'd like to but for now I'm just happy to add miles to my run and enjoy the solitude and quiet of the open road; to take it day by day and see where I end up. 

I love this quote....in my past, I have gone to a therapist and I have dove into many a pint, but I've found running to be the "cure" for all that ails me.   

“Some seek the comfort of their therapist's office, other head to the corner pub and dive into a pint, but I chose running as my therapy.” 

― Dean Karnazes, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner