God's unfailing love
I just need to share that as I'm trying to write this posting, I'm sitting here listening to my husband sing his prayers. It's music to my soul. I love to hear him play and my Aunt has blessed our house with her piano. Now beautiful music fill our home. It's wonderful to listen to him because he just caresses the keys, playing whatever notes flow from his spirit. His words are not the words of someone else, the music he offers up to our Creator are words pouring from the core of his being, his praise, thanksgiving, deepest prayers for his family and friends. It brings a sense of peace to our home as he so freely worships. I often feel I'm the most fortunate women because God saw fit to place this man in my life.
When I look back on the last seven years of my life, I'm amazed at the mountains I've sat upon and the depths of the valleys I've crawled through. I'm humbled that God has been with me in each of those places.
I attended the Women of Faith conference this weekend in Rochester. If you ever get the opportunity to go, I strongly recommend it. As a friend said, I was "sweetly broken". I get into complacent places in my walk with God, thinking all is well right now, nothing significant to really work on at the moment (like my paralyzing fears aren't significant). As Jesus asked Peter, "Are you still so dull?" Yepper, I am still that dull. Just when I'm comfortable in my unchallenged life, God smacks me up side the head. Through this weekend, He's revealed some more of the things I'm being asked to look at and work though, and I'm beginning to realize I'm actually happier in the storm. As I look back at the valleys I've been in, I can see growth through each storm.
Now let me digress for just a moment...when I say I'm happier in the storm, I don't mean having a drama filled life. I cherish the peace and quiet of my home and family. I mean those tough places in your life, the times you're sinking into the water, reaching out to Jesus to save you. Those places that grow your faith and trust in Him. Those places where you wonder, "Are you there God, really by my side??" and He shows you that He is indeed right there. I've been there with my marriage, my kids, my faith, my past and my wounds. The storm is typically painful but the other side is always breathtaking.
I had a moment of allowing the enemy a grip on me. As most know, I've had an abortion. I've found forgiveness, healing and the release from the guilt and shame of my abortion. But this weekend I had a moment, frankly a moment that took me by surprise, where I felt all that shame again. The guilt held me glued to my seat. One of the speakers was taking a moment to recognize all the moms in the stadium that had lost babies. She asked us to stand. My heart started pounding, my hands were shaking and I stayed glued to that seat. Surly, if I stood, the spot light would turn and point right at me and I'd be ask to leave as a fraud. I could faintly hear God telling me I had a right to stand but that voice was drowned out by the enemy yelling in my ear that I had no right. I'm so very thankful for my dear friend sitting next to me. I couldn't really hear God's voice but He used her hand to give me a slight shove up. Without me saying one word she sensed my struggle and reached over to encourage me to stand up. In her touch I could feel God's loving embrace. His words of love and forgiveness speaking to my soul that I had a right to stand. I had lost a child. It was an affirmation of His unfailing love in the face of my brokenness. It was a moment that reminded me that God is always with me but the enemy is always prowling.
This weekend has also brought to a head my struggle with my fears and anxiety. I've got mixed feelings about diving deeper into this. I do look forward to the storm, in overcoming this grip on me because I know the other side will be beautiful. However, I know I have to overcome something that has been a part of me my whole life and that is scary to face. I'd write more on it but I'm still processing it and dissecting it in prayer and with my husband.
I know for sure, His love is unfailing and He WILL walk with me through this.
When I look back on the last seven years of my life, I'm amazed at the mountains I've sat upon and the depths of the valleys I've crawled through. I'm humbled that God has been with me in each of those places.
I attended the Women of Faith conference this weekend in Rochester. If you ever get the opportunity to go, I strongly recommend it. As a friend said, I was "sweetly broken". I get into complacent places in my walk with God, thinking all is well right now, nothing significant to really work on at the moment (like my paralyzing fears aren't significant). As Jesus asked Peter, "Are you still so dull?" Yepper, I am still that dull. Just when I'm comfortable in my unchallenged life, God smacks me up side the head. Through this weekend, He's revealed some more of the things I'm being asked to look at and work though, and I'm beginning to realize I'm actually happier in the storm. As I look back at the valleys I've been in, I can see growth through each storm.
Now let me digress for just a moment...when I say I'm happier in the storm, I don't mean having a drama filled life. I cherish the peace and quiet of my home and family. I mean those tough places in your life, the times you're sinking into the water, reaching out to Jesus to save you. Those places that grow your faith and trust in Him. Those places where you wonder, "Are you there God, really by my side??" and He shows you that He is indeed right there. I've been there with my marriage, my kids, my faith, my past and my wounds. The storm is typically painful but the other side is always breathtaking.
I had a moment of allowing the enemy a grip on me. As most know, I've had an abortion. I've found forgiveness, healing and the release from the guilt and shame of my abortion. But this weekend I had a moment, frankly a moment that took me by surprise, where I felt all that shame again. The guilt held me glued to my seat. One of the speakers was taking a moment to recognize all the moms in the stadium that had lost babies. She asked us to stand. My heart started pounding, my hands were shaking and I stayed glued to that seat. Surly, if I stood, the spot light would turn and point right at me and I'd be ask to leave as a fraud. I could faintly hear God telling me I had a right to stand but that voice was drowned out by the enemy yelling in my ear that I had no right. I'm so very thankful for my dear friend sitting next to me. I couldn't really hear God's voice but He used her hand to give me a slight shove up. Without me saying one word she sensed my struggle and reached over to encourage me to stand up. In her touch I could feel God's loving embrace. His words of love and forgiveness speaking to my soul that I had a right to stand. I had lost a child. It was an affirmation of His unfailing love in the face of my brokenness. It was a moment that reminded me that God is always with me but the enemy is always prowling.
This weekend has also brought to a head my struggle with my fears and anxiety. I've got mixed feelings about diving deeper into this. I do look forward to the storm, in overcoming this grip on me because I know the other side will be beautiful. However, I know I have to overcome something that has been a part of me my whole life and that is scary to face. I'd write more on it but I'm still processing it and dissecting it in prayer and with my husband.
I know for sure, His love is unfailing and He WILL walk with me through this.
Thank you for sharing, Kirsten. God is using you and is working in you. That is so clear. You just touched my heart by the words He gave you to share. I am adding your blog to my "reader" and hope we can connect sometime in the future. I'm thankful our kids are close to the same age and maybe our paths will cross in the homeschooling community. Praying for you as God continues to do a work in you.
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